in sickness? flu is stealth.
Being ill. Now there’s a thing. I’m not good at it. Its not that I’m a hypochondriac or anything I couldn’t be, I’m the daughter of a nurse. What this means is that, as a child? Whilst you were probably able to get a month off from maths and home economics each time you sneezed? Unless, I actually had, say, meningitis or some outward sign of my inner disease like measles, chicken pox or projectile vomit I was going to school …don’t get me wrong my mum was ace if I in fact was ill, she obviously knew exactly what to do and I was never bored or overly sick-bedded…I had great sickkids food and recovered to arguing with my brother and sister really quite quickly…its just the bar was much, much higher….

if you did find yourself writhing in agony at 7.40 in the morning you would be subjected to the following method of diagnosis: her right palm on your forehead for about 1.5 seconds then turning that hand over to put the back of it against your cheek for about the same time span. And? If what she felt was not the physical boiling point of water you’d be out the door with minidex. Unlike my dad, who, as the sole driver was more of a pushover…I seem to remember just vaguely rubbing my tummy and uttering “errrr…groooo” in effected gravely voice earning me a week off no medical required…

Subsequently I am bad at illness, I know what to do but never do it in time and thanks to a streak of stoicism have gone to the doctors too late on a few occasions and had to undergo surgery I just need not have had. But? Be that as it may. There is one thing I absolutely did misdiagnose and that is flu.

Oh Jesus me yes.

Because everything I had up until then was just a very very very bad cold. When you have a very very very bad cold you can do the crossword in bed you can chat on the phone smoking you may even put on all the clothes you own and go out for a drink and you basically eat oranges and chocolate with brandy-laced soup and loll about watching TV generally putting on two stone. Not so with flu. You can’t do anything with flu. You can’t watch TV because you can’t sit up you have as much control over your spine as a three week old baby. Even if you could sit up you could not see you can’t focus and your eyes will close involuntarily and it will cause a headache just to open them. You would cry if only it didn’t feel life threatening to do so. You cannot do the crossword in bed because you can’t pick up your retractable pencil because it now seems to weigh a metric ton. Your chest feels like its been caved in with a granite demolition ball and your head is making the same sound as the percussion section of the royal philharmonic during tune-up. Everything is uncomfortable and aches sitting is uncomfortable lying down is uncomfortable semi reclining is uncomfortable so for gods sake don’t try and stand. I stupidly tried to get out of bed only to find I couldn’t move my legs. A day later I felt maybe I could stand. But. I couldn’t, I fell over and couldn’t get back into bed…. three days later I made it to the kitchen I tried to make a hot water bottle and failed miserably. My arm having broken under the sheer weight of the kettle which then caused me to spill hot water all over myself and my pyjamas… it took an hour to get back into bed where I painfully realised that paracetamol wouldn’t get through and Lemsip provided only the merest dent , so I became addicted to flu strength Nurofen crushed into vanilla ice-cream washed down with miniature whiskeys and start to hallucinate… then? Suddenly better. or maybe I was dead. I tested my lifting ability on my mobile phone. Yes no bruising. I started eating properly and scarffing supplements and in few days I was about fine and could return to work but by then of course
I needed another week off just to sleep properly because even though I’d been eating vitamin c for breakfast spinach for lunch and B12 cocktail for dinner I still felt like I’d been on three transatlantic flights with a couple of gatecrasher raves at either end. So I took a few more days and lolled about watching i-player for medicinal purposes only, you understand.

Some are a dream they water your plants when your away the weekend, they let your mates in when you’re working too late to be there yourself they store your mail so you won’t get burgled, you buy them whiskey for Christmas.

But others are a nightmare in a prime time reality TV type way.

Mine? Upstairs are marginally hellish. To the point that when there is silence its too eerie. I think they may have been mass murdered.. sometimes it’s the way they let the various children run around at a speed reserved for motorcycles couriers… In what sounds like concrete trainers…Whilst scream-giggling the lyrics of some latest ‘song’. I wouldn’t mind , except we live a nanosecond from the beach they could run as fast and as loudly as they liked. all day. All the way to Southampton and no one would care, really they would openly encourage it…other times like today its housework…in itself very commendable I have heard it is a noble pastime and indeed I too have occasionally partaken, however, today they decided to clean the carpet with a vacuum cleaner sponsored by British aerospace. I thought the entire contents of my flat were going to be sucked up in a vortex, wizard of oz style. And the volume? It made the coats in my hallway bleed. I had to get out. I come back just in time to hear that they were rinsing boulders in the washing machine or something. I’d gotten used to that. Much the same way I’d gotten used to the music they played which could only be appreciated if amplified through a cast iron radiator.
I’m off to boots to spend my points on sonic ear-plugs.

if you did find yourself writhing in agony at 7.40 in the morning you would be subjected to the following method of diagnosis: her right palm on your forehead for about 1.5 seconds then turning that hand over to put the back of it against your cheek for about the same time span. And? If what she felt was not the physical boiling point of water you’d be out the door with minidex. Unlike my dad, who, as the sole driver was more of a pushover…I seem to remember just vaguely rubbing my tummy and uttering “errrr…groooo” in effected gravely voice earning me a week off no medical required…

Subsequently I am bad at illness, I know what to do but never do it in time and thanks to a streak of stoicism have gone to the doctors too late on a few occasions and had to undergo surgery I just need not have had. But? Be that as it may. There is one thing I absolutely did misdiagnose and that is flu.

Oh Jesus me yes.

Because everything I had up until then was just a very very very bad cold. When you have a very very very bad cold you can do the crossword in bed you can chat on the phone smoking you may even put on all the clothes you own and go out for a drink and you basically eat oranges and chocolate with brandy-laced soup and loll about watching TV generally putting on two stone. Not so with flu. You can’t do anything with flu. You can’t watch TV because you can’t sit up you have as much control over your spine as a three week old baby. Even if you could sit up you could not see you can’t focus and your eyes will close involuntarily and it will cause a headache just to open them. You would cry if only it didn’t feel life threatening to do so. You cannot do the crossword in bed because you can’t pick up your retractable pencil because it now seems to weigh a metric ton. Your chest feels like its been caved in with a granite demolition ball and your head is making the same sound as the percussion section of the royal philharmonic during tune-up. Everything is uncomfortable and aches sitting is uncomfortable lying down is uncomfortable semi reclining is uncomfortable so for gods sake don’t try and stand. I stupidly tried to get out of bed only to find I couldn’t move my legs. A day later I felt maybe I could stand. But. I couldn’t, I fell over and couldn’t get back into bed…. three days later I made it to the kitchen I tried to make a hot water bottle and failed miserably. My arm having broken under the sheer weight of the kettle which then caused me to spill hot water all over myself and my pyjamas… it took an hour to get back into bed where I painfully realised that paracetamol wouldn’t get through and Lemsip provided only the merest dent , so I became addicted to flu strength Nurofen crushed into vanilla ice-cream washed down with miniature whiskeys and start to hallucinate… then? Suddenly better. or maybe I was dead. I tested my lifting ability on my mobile phone. Yes no bruising. I started eating properly and scarffing supplements and in few days I was about fine and could return to work but by then of course
I needed another week off just to sleep properly because even though I’d been eating vitamin c for breakfast spinach for lunch and B12 cocktail for dinner I still felt like I’d been on three transatlantic flights with a couple of gatecrasher raves at either end. So I took a few more days and lolled about watching i-player for medicinal purposes only, you understand.